Healing Family Ties: My Journey Through Inner Child Work, Forgiveness & Boundaries

July 17, 2025| Self-Healing and Self-Love

There came a point in my life when I realized love alone wasn’t enough to sustain peace within my family. We needed healing. Deep, generational healing—the kind that requires courage, honesty, and self-confrontation. I didn’t grow up in a perfect home. My family carried unspoken pain, repeated patterns, and inherited beliefs that shaped how we loved, fought, forgave, and shut down.

It took me years to understand that what I felt as a child wasn’t “too sensitive”—it was intuitive. My inner child had been whispering for attention all along, buried under expectations, silence, and the weight of being "strong."

Reparenting My Inner Child

The first time I sat down and wrote a letter to my inner child, I cried. I hadn’t realized how long she had gone unheard. I apologized to her—for the years I ignored her voice, pushed down her feelings to make others comfortable, and minimized her pain because "it wasn’t that bad." But it was.

Doing inner child work helped me recognize that I was often reacting to my family as the child I once was, not the woman I’ve grown to be. I started holding space for her: journaling, visualizing, setting up emotional check-ins. And that’s when things began to shift. I no longer needed approval to feel whole. I could give myself the love I had been craving. I keep a picture on my desk of the little girl I now protect, hear and see as a reminder to continue the work we began.

A book that helped me tremendously during this part of my journey was “Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child” by John Bradshaw. While not specific to the Black experience, it lays a powerful foundation for understanding the inner child. I paired it with “Soothe Your Nerves” by Dr. Angela Neal-Barnett, which specifically speaks to Black women and anxiety—rooted often in unhealed trauma and generational pressure.

Breaking Generational Cycles

Breaking cycles isn't glamorous. It’s often isolating, painful, and deeply misunderstood by the very people you’re trying to love better. When I stopped defaulting to silence, stopped performing, and stopped saying “yes” when I meant “no,” I was called “different,” “too much,” and even “ungrateful.” But what they didn’t see is that I was fighting for my future children’s peace.

To break a cycle is to feel the full weight of it and choose not to pass it on. That means therapy, accountability, hard conversations, and sometimes—distance.

The book “It Didn’t Start With You” by Mark Wolynn opened my eyes to inherited family trauma. For Black families specifically, “Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome” by Dr. Joy DeGruy is essential. It explained so much of the survival-based parenting, emotional suppression, and hyper-vigilance I saw growing up.

Forgiveness Without Forgetting

Forgiveness was never about letting anyone off the hook—it was about freeing myself from the emotional bondage. I had to grieve the family I wanted while learning to accept the family I have. That doesn’t mean I allow harmful behavior. It means I see them fully—flawed, hurting, shaped by their own wounds—and choose to let go of resentment.

I used to think forgiveness meant reconciliation. Now, I know forgiveness can happen privately. It’s an act of release, not necessarily reunion.

One of the most powerful books I read on this was “All About Love” by Bell Hooks. She wrote about love in a way I’d never heard growing up—where love includes justice, care, and responsibility, not just blood and obligation.

Holding Boundaries with Love

Boundaries changed my life. Not the walls I built out of fear—but true, loving boundaries that protect my peace and redefine the way I show up. Saying “I love you, but I can’t discuss this right now” or “I’m not available for that kind of conversation” gave me my power back.

It’s still hard. Some people don’t understand. But I’m not building walls—I’m building bridges with gates. Only those who respect my soul get to cross.

Setting boundaries is an act of radical self-love. “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab, a Black therapist, gave me the scripts, tools, and permission to stop over-explaining and start protecting my energy.

Final Thoughts: Family Isn’t Just Blood—It’s Behavior

I still love my family deeply. But I love them more truthfully now—from a grounded, healthier place. And I’ve learned to create a family through community, sisterhood, healing spaces, and honest connections.

If you’re on a journey of healing family ties, know that it’s okay to honor both love and the loss. You’re not weak for needing boundaries. You’re not selfish for wanting peace. And you are most definitely not alone.

Books I Recommend for Black Family Healing:

1. Set Boundaries, Find Peace – Nedra Glover Tawwab

2. Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome – Dr. Joy DeGruy

3. Soothe Your Nerves – Dr. Angela Neal-Barnett

4. All About Love – Bell Hooks

5. My Grandmother's Hands – Resmaa Menakem

6. Homecoming – John Bradshaw

7. Healing the Inner Child – Whitney Goodman Affirmation I Hold Close: "I am allowed to grow beyond what raised me."

   
   

I encourage you to: reflect on healing your inner-child for you. Let the healing, forgiveness and boundaries allow you to feel whole. Let it be real. Let it be yours.

With harmony and light,

K. N. Jackson| Team Hermonious